aviation club membership

A friend who works in some flying business gave me something awesome yesterday. A fully sponsored membership for an exclusive club – The Aviation Sports Club of Penang (ASCP). Initially, I don’t know what the hell was this club all about… but later when I found out, I was bespattered with astonishment all over.

– free lifetime insurance coverage for my family. (that includes if I have a pet dog, he’ll be covered as well. Doesn’t include cats though)
– free access to the club’s exclusive gym and unisex sauna bath.
– 50% discount in all transactions inside the club (karaoke, pub, watersports activities)
– there’s a big fucking pool for you to waste at the club, totally free as well
– the club is also famous for it’s free monthly strippers’ party which was exclusive for its members only.
– and you can bring limited to 12 of your buddies into the club for all that benefits as well !
– so much more, and everything is free.

I was totally speechless when my friend told me that I’m now a member for this swanky club – courtesy of his gratitude for our long time friendship. Isn’t that sweeet ?

All I gotta do is exhibit this chip-embedded glow in the dark car sticker each time when I enter the club, and I will be instantly authorized entry as a member … Here’s the picture of the unique sticker I’ve adhered on my car windscreen…

Truth : Some bird had a diarrhea on my windscreen.

fling a sandal

Back during my childhood, I depended on no electronics to keep myself occupied. No playstation, no games, definitely no internet. Mom didn’t believe in the myth – that investing money in her kids’ toys would reap benefit for her welfare in the distant future – hence, no toys for me as well.

So, we (referring to myself and my childhood buddies) were basically left without any choice but to solely rely on our creativity to burn some time. Like coming up with our own games. No, I’m not referring to shitty games like hide and seek… or… hop-with-a-leg type… those are for wimps and sick little freaks that look like Michael Jackson. I’m talking about games that :

– are awesome and involve a lot of ass kicking (it’s always fun to kick some other kids asses…)
– require ZERO cost (couldn’t afford anything as we had limited or no pocket money at all)
– could keep more than 20 of us little devils occupied for at least a few hours.

We came up with many of them that fulfill the above criteria alright. But the one that stood out amongst the rest was a game which we fondly called, “Khan Eh” (translated as “Fling A Sandal”) – which was the motherfuckest of all wicked games that I had ever played as a kid. A game that sets a whole new definition of ‘fun’ and changed my life forever (kidding, I added the final phrase as a hyperbole…)

Following would be the details and rules about “Fling A Sandal” (I’m gonna do it in point form here for convenience’ sake) :

Requirements :
1) Minimum 14 players, must be even numbered to be divided into 2 teams. The more players, the better.
2) Each player must be barefooted and armed with one side of their flip-flop or sandal. (this will be their weapon)
3) A cemented space/court as the playground (preferably, the size of a basketball court). Indoor or outdoor, doesn’t matter.
4) You have to be minimum 7 years old to play this game.
5) You’re not in any way associated to the word ‘sissy’ or ‘pondan’.

How to play :
a) Players are divided into 2 teams that oppose each other. One team as “defender”, and another as the “invader”.
b) Flip a coin to decide which team to play as “defender”/”invader”. (or simply select a representative from each team to arm wrestle…The winner gets to decide which role the team wants to play…)
c) The “defender” must first build a “sandal shrine” inside a big circle of approximately 5 feet in diameter (can be drawn with a chalk or something), which is suppose to be the center of the universe. Everything else rotates around it. It is their duty to safeguard the shrine at all cost.
d) To build the “sandal shrine”, the defenders just need to lean 3 sandals on each other in an upright position. May sound easy but, trust me, it requires a lot of skills to do it. Refer illustration to understand better.
e) Once the shrine is up, the defenders are required to stand at an offset of 30 ft away from it and wait.
f) The invaders are then required to ‘attack’ the shrine by flinging their sandals from that same spot of 30 ft offset (the 2 teams should now be standing at that same spot). If the invaders somehow ran out of sandals and unable to strike the shrine down, they lose the game.
g) On the other hand, if the shrine is struck by an invader’s flinging sandal and collapses, both team would then engage each other in battle mode.
h) In the battle mode, each team would have their own objective
– invaders : to go all out trying to immobilize all the defenders. (to immobilize the defenders, just smack/fling them with a sandal…)
– defenders : try to rebuild the shrine without getting killed.
To which, if any of the team achieves their objective, will win the game. (please note that during the battle mode, the invaders are not allowed to go into the shrine’s big circle.)
i) Once the game ends, both team would then switch their roles as defender-invader … and repeat the whole process.

Rules :
– Killing and crying is prohibited. Violators will be pummeled and banned from joining any future games.

So, basically, you’ll see kids running everywhere trying to smack each other stupid. It’s energetic, fun and full of suspense … especially when you’re looking out for flying sandals that may land flat on your face while trying to balance that 3 fucking pieces of sandals to rebuild the shrine.

Kids nowadays only know how to gain weight and being a big pussy…

somewhere

old lady inside a grocery store : “WHERE ARE THE EGGS !?”
fishmonger outside a market : “WHERE ARE MY FISHES !?”
housewife inside a hypermarket : “WHERE ARE THE CHICKENS !?”
schoolkids outside their apartment : “WHERE’S THE SCHOOLBUS !?”
unlucky dude at a crash site : “WHERE’S THE TOWTRUCK !?”
discontent old guy outside his compound : “WHERE’S THE GARBAGE TRUCK !?”
foreigner at an airport : “WHERE ARE ALL THE TAXI’S !?”
inventory manager at an electronics firm : “WHERE ARE THE RAW MATERIALS !?”
production line supervisor : “WHERE ARE ALL MY WORKERS !?”
workers at bus stations : “WHERE ARE ALL THE BUSES !?”

One common answer – They’re all at some petrol stations, somewhere.

This is what happens when a powerful idiot makes a wrong decision.

for the good of others

Someone asked for my opinion about some religious teaching in a particular discussion.

“Michael, do you agree ?”

“Agree what ?”

“When someone slaps you on your right cheek ?”

“I’m listening”

“You should let the person slap your left cheek as well ?”

I paused for a moment there, staring at him. He explained further about the idea –

“That’s some religious teaching that guides us how to be humble and love one another…”

“I don’t know dude, but I think I’m gonna grab the nearest handy object and crash it on the person’s head. Once that fucker’s writhing in agony on the floor, I’ll then take advantage of the situation by stomping him on the ribs… hopefully would break one or two of them. Then, I’m gonna sit on him and work on his face … you know, punch till he goes purple…”

[aghast] “Man, you don’t believe in peaceful confrontation, do ya ?”

“Look… when the guy slaps you, he has obviously violated the paradigm of peace and has no absolute respect to your dignity. It is our duty to put an end to that menace by tranquilizing him down … so that he doesn’t do the same harm to others… you get what I mean ? Suppress the hazard for the good of others…” [smacks fist onto palm]

“Ehh heheh … a viable solution perhaps. Thanks for the opinion…”

I think that would probably be his final time to seek opinion from me… especially on religious paradoxes.

what’s under ?

I was minding my own business on a chair (daydreaming) when my little 3 year old nephew came and stood right in front of me. He was sort of giving me this bashful look… like he was trying to show me something. I tried to ignore him, but I was not feeling very comfortable with him staring at me like that. So, I decided to find out if there was anything that I could do for him to leave me alone.

I first stooped down closer to his view level and gave him a “what’s up ?” tilt-of-head look… you know, with my friendliest looking state in order not to freak him out and trigger an amplified wail. But he kept staring at me with the same look, with no other responses. Well, maybe the kid didn’t get my message – and so, I resorted to ask him verbally in some shitty Mandarin, how may I be of help?

He finally showed some respond alright. He adjusted his posture sideways and partially pulled down his pants to reveal a pair of smaller garment inside… which I could see that it was a kiddy sized underwear. He showed it to me because it was a big-deal kind of thing for him… you know, like somekind of a physical testament that he’s that much more grown up than any other whipper-snappers of his age.

(if things are that simple. Become a “grown up” person by just wearing an underwear)

Of course, I pretended that I was impressed shitless “Oooh… you’ve got an underwear! Lemme see lemme see… Ooohh !” (feigned in amateurish Mandarin dialect). And he responded with a sheepishly proud-of-himself smile and went off to somewhere else to parade his new found status towards adulthood.

Now, come to think of it… I realized that I only started to wear my underwear when I was like… 11 years old ? Yeah. A few months before those black whiskers blossom from my spring chickened pubes region. I remember my old man used to tell me that one should wear an underwear to minimize the risk of getting circumcised naturally (or accidentally) by zippers… but I would shun him off with excuses like ‘it’s too friggin’ hot or just ‘less procedure to whip out my dick to take a piss’.

Laugh all you want, but, according to scientific studies, men wearing tight underwear in prolonged hours face higher risks of prostate cancer, impotency, stupidity, bollock gangrene, pubic hair loss (due to high concentration of salt) and sometimes, even death. And if you get any one of those boners, I’d be the one laughing back at you.

Best way, is to give your dork a little more air as he goes about. Don’t just cram it down in confined spaces… it’s not healthy.

(How old are you when you first started wearing an underwear ? Rape the commenting system please.)

“Sahara” (2005)

This movie is a total crap. Avoid it at all cost. Why ? Here’s why …

1) Lame Storyline
The same lame storyline in a typical adventure movie, you know – bad guys trying to fuck the whole planet up. A hero appears with his funny sidekick and a hot girl, gets unbelievably lucky foiling the bad guy’s evil plot. Kills the mob boss, bone the girl, bask a heroic ending and lives happily ever after.

2) Bad casting
The whole cast wouldn’t have looked that bad … if it wasn’t for the main character which was played by Matthew McConaughey. It just doesn’t add to the formula of an adventure/action film. He’s not funny, is clumsy and has problem focusing with his eyes when talking to someone – so seriously apparent, that it actually convinced me that he has a set of crossed eyes.

3) Preposterous plots
– When you’re being shot with heaps of automatic high powered rifles, you can’t just get lucky enough to be able to live right out of it because the entire platoon of enemy soldiers can’t shoot no shit.
– Camels/vehicles don’t just appear when you needed them most.
– Enemy soldiers don’t just surrender when their general dies.
– You can’t just drive an antique car like an all-terrain 4 wheel drive vehicle.
Things like that.

You know, they could have just hired The Rock to play a role as a madman punching camels in the middle of the desert. It probably would have been a lot more interesting and make more senses.

the tailgater

I was driving along a straight stretch of road this morning, doing about 100 kph before slowing down behind a factory bus hogging the express lane when I saw a very fast object approaching from behind. Not wanting any troubles, I swerved my car to the slower lane, and gave way to that neck breaker that was doing at least 130 kph.

It was a Malay guy in his unique puke green Wira.

He sort of drove straight right behind the gigantic factory bus’ ass, almost hitting it, and tail gated it so close that if vehicles were to be given rights and have the ability to speak, that behemoth bus is probably gonna file a suit for sexual harassment for sniffing its ass.

I don’t really understand what the guy was trying to do there. But whatever he was doing, I reckoned that it must be something really bold and intelligent at the same time. Something that us commoners wouldn’t understand or have the audacity to try out. Something that would make them be worshiped upon … admired as a martyr… and be told for generations as a legendary hero.

Well, because intelligence is a factor, I probably will not be able to find out exactly what this special stunt was all about. Not even in this life, ever. So, what I can do is, to give my best guess on what that heroic young Malay man was trying to do there.

My guess is, that guy was trying to get into an accident, for the good of our country. Now, how could that be possible … you know, getting into an accident would actually do something good for the country ? It boggles even the mind of a genius, but I finally manage to associate some logic behind it. That honorable act was to create opportunities for others to make a better living … and reap benefits from his death.

How ? Here’s how :

The moment he gets into an accident, his car is going to crumple up like nothing you’ve ever seen before (Proton car safety feature), and that will actually prompt our firemen into action – you know, prying his car with crowbars and the “jaws of life” (althought the guy’s dead, but still…) – like what a real fireman should do. It’s an honorable job. I mean, what could be more honorable than extracting some guy’s dead body from his fucked-beyond-recognition vehicle in a terrible accident ? Putting out bush fires ? Rescuing a kitten stuck on some mango tree ? Or to catch a big ass python inside a chicken coop ? No way those are honorable.

Then, his car, now a junk, will make its way into some Indian guy’s metal junkyard – which to the junkyard owner’s delight, is gonna earn him an extra few hundred bucks smelting it into something more useful … like crowbars to pry MORE accident victims out of their Protons. (If you were to ask me, I would say … this is a very good example of a modern symbiosis concept).

Now that the speeding hero’s croaked, the undertaker will have more work to do. And the dead hero’s family will pay someone to give him a proper funeral and burial procedure… and if he had bought some insurance, his wife is gonna get the appropriate compensation as well. Everyone’s happy (except his wife, well… for the initial few months before she manages to move on with her life with that sum of insurance compensation…)

Even his kids, if they are optimistic enough, will lead a happier life less a father to nag him. Which means, he (if a guy) will get to enjoy more liberty in his teenage life to romp around, like :
– productively hanging out in shopping mall corridors,
– send expensive SMS to some TV station just to watch the message appear briefly on the TV screen for a couple of seconds (which would in turn, make our local TV station richer by that much)
– choose his own sexuality and fulfill his dream to be somebody’s artificial sex slave
– achieve extraordinary human feats by flying through the air riding his loud, heavily modified 2 wheelers in the middle of the night …

Just to name a few.

Then, when that guy’s dead body is buried into the ground, the maggots and bugs will have their share of bliss, to see a Happy Meal with a smily face served before them, and the remaining of the decomposed pus would seep deep inside the ground to fertilize the vegetations and grasses nearby – which in turn, will provide enough nourishment to some edible herbivores… that are known to taste really good as a kurma dish in some really happy occasion…

And who would have foreseen all these happening ? Not us commoners. Only the guy whom we always mistakenly regarded as reckless… the tailgater behind a factory bus.

To our valiant factory bus tailgater, I dedicate this poem to you :

You’re like a burning candle melting wax,
dripping on a bimbo in a kinky sex,
Sacrificing yourself for the good of many,
Illuminates the dark and satisfies the horny.

haunted ?

My lab has recently hired a new temp named Milkboy. Quite a nice guy. Despite years older than me, he actually looked much younger (and needless to say, less macho as well). A stranger would have thought that he’s a high school student instead of someone in his early 30’s.

Part of his job was technical – analyzing defective computer parts inside the lab, which is known to be haunted. Yeah, the place that I spend almost 9 hours a day, is known to be haunted. But I’ve never seen anything abnormal happening over there before… save for a few times when the fire exit alarm went off by itself… just, nothing that resembled a ghost or something. (the scariest thing I’ve ever seen inside that lab were dead toasted lizards stuck inside power supplies…)

A couple days ago, Milkboy actually asked me about it, to confirm about the haunting. One of my colleagues (which is also his friend prior working here) actually told him – not to work inside the lab after 7pm and told him about the haunting. Needless to say, Milkboy was concerned … and there was a hint of fear veiled in his question…

Not wanting to spoil the fun, I told him something like this :
“Well, I don’t know what to say. Just, if you hear something weird or funny when you’re alone in the lab… the best thing to do is, to switch off your monitor, calmly grab your belongings, and leave the lab.”

Milkboy then responded “Damn… can’t I just bail without shutting off the monitor ??”

I was trying hard not to laugh and replied – “Nope. Help the company save electricity. You’ll have to shut it off dude. Oh, and don’t forget your car keys, you wouldn’t want to return back there to collect it with the weird things going on …”

Milkboy – “Man, looks like I got to pray a lot to get some peace here …”

I don’t know if Milkboy took all that seriously but, it was damn funny to see his expression after that. I just hope he doesn’t smoke the whole place up burning paper offerings to buy some peace there…

“tiu” with a stick

I was chatting with one of the bloggers today when suddenly, a flash of memory began to churn up hot in my mind. It was something important and ancient, that has been tucked in a dark corner somewhere inside my brain. I actually recalled when I first learnt my first profanity. No shit.

Well, actually, I’ve HEARD my father cuss in fancy profanities … way when I was still less than an inch (referring to my prick length). But back then, my mind had not developed enough cells to differentiate between a good word versus the type of vocab which we humans deemed as derogatory. Hence, with the lack of knowledge and short memory span, I never actually learnt how to speak them. So, I would dismiss that as my first time learning and using a profanity. And that means, I’ll have to fast forward for a few more years when I was 7. Innocently, a standard 1 student.

As mischievous and curious like any other kids, I had repeatedly heard my savage grand-aunt cussing on the mahjong table. In Cantonese.

TIU NIA SING AH ! [fuck you something something] — I’m not really sure what it means …
TIU LEI LOW MEI AH ! [fuck you something something] — no idea the latter part of the sentence…
TIU NIA MAH CHOW HAI AH ! [fuck your mom’s stinking cunt !] — this one, I know…

Basically, “tiu” this and “tiu” that (If it’s still not that obvious to you, “Tiu” is actually the Cantonese equivalent of the word “fuck”). There were many fanciful “tiu’s”. It can be used as a transitive verb, or an intransitive verb, doesn’t matter. Nice word – so I thought. That time, I was just starting to learn Cantonese in my maternal family (my mother tongue is actually Hokkien).

And most naturally, the word “tiu” became easily registered in my mind like a magic word – after hearing it being summoned so many frigging times on the mahjong table… but without actually knowing the meaning. (My undeveloped mind somehow thought it was a verb to describe an act of biffing somebody up with a stick… how wrong was I…)

Then came one day, while I was hanging out with the group of ribald housewives at a wet market (I used to tag along my mom to the market when I was a kid), my grand-aunt berated at me for being such a pain in the ass for something I did (which I forgot…), and actually quoted the word “tiu”.

“Tiu lei low mei ah ! Lei ti ko lau hai ka chat !” [fuck your something something ! You cunt spelunking cockroach !]

I immediately lighted up like a bulb upon hearing that word. “I know that word ! She’s threatening to hit me !”. And so, with my newly gained vocab, I shouted back at her (well, in a frivolous manner) “Ngo tiu lei low mei ah !”. Well, I didn’t know its real meaning (even to date !) but I best guessed that it was definitely something good to retort at that mean witch.

That was my first sentence with profanity. It sent my grand-aunt, my mom and the rest of the housewives shedding tears, laughing like sick fucks. I was needless to say bewildered by their reactions. What’s so funny about that sentence ? That was when my grand-aunt regained her composure to ask me a question

“Lei yong mieh tiu aa ?” [what are you gonna use to fuck ?]

And I answered her “Chai lor…”. Which basically means, a stick. To fuck her with a stick. She almost contracted a stroke from laughing too hard. The rest of the housewives suffered from serious cramps.

Later that day, my mom gave me a motherly advice – that I shouldn’t use that word at all. That’s because it’s a bad word and would make me sound impertinent like an uneducated brat. That I should respect old people. Bla bla bla. And that’s how I learnt that it’s a profanity – at a relatively young age.

Is this just me ? When did you cuss your first profanity ? Or the earliest year you remember yourself cussing something vulgar ? I’m opening up the commenting system to survey. (to those who proclaim that they don’t cuss, just tell what you’d do when you’re feeling pissed)

revenge of the pigeon

My apartment block has always been a sanctuary place for a flock of pigeons. I do not know why, they seem to have that uncanny attraction towards our building block. At night, they’re usually found hanging out at the edge of our building roof, you know, having parties and sex… shedding a whole deal lot of feathers and the most annoying of all, embellishing our awnings with their diarrhea of droppings.

My mom wasn’t too comfortable with the fact that she’ll have to see our own apartment being made a pigeon toilet (also heard that pigeon droppings are highly toxic). So, a couple months ago, she carefully laid a netting trap across one of the hottest spot above our window ledge, in hope of teaching those pestilent head bobbers a lesson or two.

Well, she finally caught one alright. It was a pigeon with a dark grey feather, stuck upside down with its feet entangled on the net. She then took the bird down and began her work on it. With a scissor, my mom trimmed a large part of the helpless pigeon’s wings and flicked its head repeatedly while chanting some profanities. She had heaps of fun alright …and finally, released that poor thing back into its social life. But my mom did take note about that look in the pigeon’s eyes, it was of a vindictive look … but she didn’t give much damn about it.

Until a few days ago, when I was busy surfing something important in the living room (my mom wasn’t around), I suddenly saw it walking up towards our apartment unit’s entrance. That same dark grey pigeon. It peeked into our unit to check if there’s anyone around … and saw me. That was when I reacted by stretching out my clawed arms trying to scare that audacious pigeon away. But it just walked back a few steps, apparently not affected by my display of potential hostility. I tried harder, but that little guy just stood there watching me doing those foolish acts.

I felt the whole thing was kinda bizarre, so, I asked Emily to check that pigeon out as well. Now seeing 2 humans waving madly at it, the pigeon took a couple steps further back just to be safe … but nothing else affected it after that distance. I eventually grew bored intimidating that small creature and went back to my surfing.

But again, that pigeon boldly walked up to our entrance and stared at me – and this time, I was beginning to get astonished by its relentless behavior. I’ve never seen anything like this before (well, obviously, I’ve seen a fucking pigeon, or a pigeon fucking … but I have never seen a pigeon so bold before). I tried to remain static this time, just to find out what the pigeon was up to. Was it looking for food ? Or was it just trying to “peace” up with me. But I was about to find out soon.

It stared at me for about 10 seconds, and then turned around pointing its ass directly facing my apartment entrance … and jettisoned out a piece of greenish turd on our shoe rug ! Just as it was trying to purge more of its shit out, I quickly stormed out from my unit to grab that bird (now ain’t that vulgar ?) … instigating it to flap its wing madly to bail out … and escaped out into the open space. I just stood there dumbfucked at what I had just witnessed. A pigeon taking revenge against human.

I felt very lucky that it was just 1 pigeon. I can’t imagine if that guy were to invite its whole bevy of birdhood to poo on my rug. Or worse, on my Lorraine which had just been washed that day. Animals nowadays are simply scary. They learnt too much from horror movies.